Your body hits the ground on a loud sound. You shout at me, from the top of your lungs. You think I pushed you. You ask why I’ve threatened you. For all responses, with my bare hand, I shock you, watching you scream, struggle, calling for help and finally collapse. 

I know you hate me. But I hate you so much more. Afraid of the death you see in my eyes, you shivers in the darkness and starts shaking. You are freezing by pure terror. And you’re right. Because we are the same. We are in your head. And everything is out of your control. We are unstoppable, and you know that. You fight against us, but we are stronger. And you hit the ground again with a harsh gasp. Collapse again. Suffocating. shivering. 

And then a spasm wake you up and  you crawl in the dirt. Feeling hallucinations crawling on your back and your neck. You struggle to set yourself free. You stand up on your legs, trying to reach out for something to hold. You feel. You feel way too much. Terror. Energy. Adrenaline. Suffocation. Frustration. Panic. Determination. Despair. Voices, voices everywhere, it snaps by your side, hitting your head, tying your neck with cold, long, strong and clawed hands. On your spine. On your eyes. Your mouth. Your stomach. Inside your head. Hitting, hitting and hitting again. Screaming, screaming, and screaming again. Yelling at you nonsense, insults, orders to hurt yourself. To kill yourself. Nothing more than noise that doesn’t exist. Your senses are full of garbage, creeping toward, against and under your skin.

It’s unstoppable. You are afraid of these visions, your perceptions are false, everything is wrong. Your aren’t supposed to exist. Things are out of control. You stop, can’t breathe anymore, it’s a massacre. Paralyzed by your imagination, you look at your own world to see what is going on. I am going to annihilate the all of us. And I am you. Your own mind is the cause of your alienation. 

You want to get out of his hobbiton hole. Stop this all. Get out of this fucking nightmare awaken. 

You are alienated. 

You try to escape but your state is out of control.

You’re alienated. 

You are relentlessly fighting but your mind is unstoppable.

You curl up in foetal position. Hand on your head. Waiting for all of it to calm down, or just disappear. 

**

I was. Desperate. Drowning in fear. Begging for a little bit of hope again. I tried to light a fire. I dropped the rain. So I sang. I sang the light of the rain. A sweet sweet voice answered me. Then we sang for the sweet sweet rain. 

Honey please calm your racing heart, (I am a burden.)

Close your eyes, everything will me alright, (I am a psychotic)

Let the pain and the fear being blurt, (I’ve broken everything I’ve tried)

Don't be afraid anymore, do a flight. (Like a duck) (But I craw, like a snake) (So, do a flying snake)

I see the bird. I see the flying. I can control. I can fly. I can light a fire. I can drop the rain. I am undercontrol. It’s fine. Everything is fine. 

Now, things have changed. 

A strong dose of joy is boiling in my veins. At first, I was afraid of that fire. But if I am a psychotic, I can be a pyromaniac. 

I stand up, with large black  wings folded on me like a cover. I sharply open my hands to do a bowl. I open my mouth, breathing out my control and imagination. I close my eyes. Lighting a sweet fire. Warm, and sweet. Full of colors and lights. I was black, then I am white. I am not afraid anymore, because I know now I can control and I am rightful to be alive and to exist as myself and as a system. 

None’s here anymore. I open my eyes to let the fire lightning our world. Things turn joyful, warm, cold, sweet, colorful. It’s alright. It’s okay (You’re not alone.)

Suddenly you appear in front of me. You don’t understand. But that’s okay. We are okay. We are enough. We are alive. And now.

Fire walks with me. 

You’re afraid of the flames, but then realize it’s not painful. It’s undercontrol. You understand that now, fire walks with me. 

You’re laughing at me anyway. (One day, you’ll be stuck here) (Yeah. And that day, don’t bring me back) you lose your smile, and disappear like a ghost. A ghost of my life. I don’t care. I accept you. Even if you don’t accept me. Even if you hate me. I hate me too, anyway. 

I am not alone here. I have everything. Everyone. I am walking through fire to see them. I need a hug. A big hug. To let my mind being wisped away in a sweet hug, squeezing my heart and mind. Close my eyes. And finally sleep.